I am a 28 year old woman and here I am at my desk, heart beating hard, stomach hurting, and all because I have to make a 10-minute presentation next Wednesday. I am an Assistant Campus Director of a private college. This is so ridiculous, but I've had this horrible fear since I was 14. I haven't been able to concentrate in weeks, the thought of talking to the class wakes me out of sleep at night. I want to die. Nothing seems to make me feel better. Even death sounds like a better alternative. My mind says I can do this, but my body is acting like its own entity. 

What bothers me the most is that I am so nervous and I know my voice will shake. No matter how uncomfortable I am I won't be able to even fake confidence, it's my damn voice shaking. Everyone will see am I won't be able to even fake confidence, it's my damn voice shaking. Everyone will see how nervous I am. Please, please help me. 

Janet 

Subject: Re: Help

Perhaps I can help you. First of all, where are you from? If you're not in my area we'll have to do it by email (and in a week). Here's what you should do.

Read the correspondence I had with Trisha and then get back to me as soon as possible. Tell me as much about yourself as possible, what you got out of the correspondence, and any other questions that might pertain to your particular needs.

Bear in mind that I'm helping someone overcome her fear to sing, But you can definitely replace “singing" with "presentations" or "public speaking".

Hope I can help.

Art

Subject: Reply

Well I only made it through to the part about Trisha recalling an interview with Carly Simon. Already I had made 4 pages of notes about myself, etc., and felt I should pass them on to you. Here I go.... 

I am writing you from Concord, California, I am close to San Francisco. I am 28 years old. I've been married for 5 years and my husband is in the Air Force. We had been living overseas the past 4 years (Netherlands and Turkey) and returned to the US this past January. 

My highest level of education is high school although I have been taking some college courses over the last couple of years (one insecurity: no degree). I'm not stupid and consider myself a cultured person who knows a little bit about a lot of things. 

A friend of mine opened a private medical college last May and asked me to run it for him. I am carrying three titles right now: Assistant Campus Director, Financial Aid Officer, and Admissions Officer. I'm doing the work of 2 people and sometimes I get a little stressed (and insecure) because I don't know it all and feel as though I am failing myself, despite being told from others what a great job I'm doing. (Insecurity number two: no degree and running a medical college where most students are coming in with a bachelors degree, not to mention I oversee the faculty who are professionals. A slight inferior feeling to say the least.) This does nothing to improve my self-esteem and extreme self- consciousness. 

Somewhere early in junior high, if not before, this whole thing started inside of me. I call it the "demon" who has been allowed to nurture itself and grow. In elementary school I loved reading in class, telling stories, and being the center of attention. 

Then in junior high I almost flunked history because I refused to get up and give an oral report. If I felt I might be even asked to read something aloud, my panic button set my alarms off. My heart would beat 

so hard and fast that I could hear it pulsating in my ears. My breathing became erratic and I couldn't speak without noticeable impairment. My hands would shake uncontrollably. It was like I was having an out of body experience. 

No amount of pleading with god or telling myself I would be okay could turn off the panic button. 

Eventually I suffered physical symptoms like stomach pains and diarrhea. Today, I still suffer from all those same symptoms. By the way, everyone says to deep breathe, but it only makes my symptoms worse. 

Two weeks ago I had to attend a financial aid seminar in LA. I checked into my hotel room the day prior to the seminar, and spent the remainder of the day dealing with these symptoms. Nothing I did could calm me down. My heart was beating so fast that I prayed for a heart attack to end it all. 

So why did I fear the seminar? Two months earlier I had attended a similar seminar. The instructor said she wanted everyone to say their name and what school they were from and how long they had been doing this job. Immediately panic set in. Twenty people were ahead of me and nothing I could do would calm me down. Only fifteen to twenty words had to be said, my name is... and I am from such and such school, and my fear was paralyzing me. When it came my turn, my voice quivered and somehow I got through it (I still forgot to answer how long I had been doing this work). It was another out of body experience for me! 

In September, I had to give an orientation to five students and I froze up after I began. It was so obvious how nervous I was (voice quivering) that I got up, excused myself, and left the room for a few minutes (more embarrassment). I knew I had to return and I did. After about 15 minutes I was fine. But the sheer hell of getting to that point is a fate I wish on no one. It's getting to that "comfortable part" that I cannot overcome. 

Thus far, I have avoided any and all public speaking in my job, BUT I know I will have to do it. I don't want to leave a good job because my "demons" won't free me of panic. 

I look back and regret many things in my life that I did not do because of this "problem". The opportunities I had to speak up when I felt I had something of importance to say, refusing to be put in for awards in my previous job for fear the spotlight would be on me, and it goes on... makes me sad to recount those situations. 

The saddest thing about all this is that no one, except my husband and mother, know how bad I've got this. I am the last person they would suspect of having this "problem". People seem to love having me around. They find me so "funny and witty". I'm also a loner too, preferring to be by myself rather than with people. I find it takes a lot of energy to be around people, being witty, being nice, being understanding, being entertaining, and it goes on. I cannot wait to retreat to my home, my security zone, where I am responsible solely for myself. 

I agree with your statement that "some of the fear comes from the fact that people will find out what's really going on inside of me." And yes, like Trish, I realize I am bringing a whole lot more baggage to these situations. 

Thank you for doing this. I actually had a restful sleep last night that even included a pleasant dream. 

Janet 

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